“How Can I Find My Soul Mate?”

I hear this question so often during sessions and events that I wanted to take a few moments to address it here.

First of all, do you really want to find your “soul mate”?

A soul mate is simply a soul with whom you’ve had multiple previous lifetimes in various incarnations, not necessarily all as lovers. You could find a lover in this lifetime who has been your mother, brother, postman, daughter and murderer in previous lifetimes. That doesn’t mean that being with that person this time will make you feel happy or complete. It means you will likely feel instant recognition of that soul, feel an instant, overwhelming connection, but again, that doesn’t mean the romantic relationship is “meant to be.”

When I tell people the above, a lot of times they say, “OK, scratch that. I want to find the soul mate who’s my long lost love, the one who has always been my spouse or lover in previous lifetimes!” It’s true, many people do have such a person somewhere out there. Perhaps you’ve had fifteen lifetimes together in various manifestations of romance. Again, this doesn’t mean that being with that person this time will make you feel happy or complete. In fact, it’s usually quite the opposite. If it hasn’t worked out fifteen times before, then odds are, you have a ton of karmic junk to sort through between the two of you. In that case, you’ll learn a lot, but you’ll also find that even little arguments get blown way out of proportion because you’re not just arguing about this one little thing; you’re energetically repeating every single time you’ve had a similar argument in early incarnations. Things can get real ugly, real fast — leaving both parties with deep shame and regret for knee-jerk outbursts and attacks.

“OK,” say my clients, “Scratch that. I want a romantic relationship with a soul mate with whom I’ve always been happy in our earlier lifetimes together.” Um … I hate to break it to you, but that’s not necessarily a solution either. When not competitive, former siblings from previous lifetimes often make the nicest mates, but I can’t tell you how many times I get calls from people in these sorts of relationships because “everything except the sexual chemistry is there.” Sometimes clearing the past life baggage can help reignite the spark. Other times, these couples experience some of the saddest breakups because they really do love each other, feel totally compatible living together, but they just can’t get in the mood with one another. If one or both of them desire to express/experience love in a sexual way, then they either need to get really creative, or part ways.

Each of the scenarios I’ve mentioned above can work … but they will definitely require a lot of work. When I explain that to would-be soul mate finders, they quickly clarify that they’re tired of working hard in relationships: “Alright, forget all that. What I meant to say is that I just want to find my Twin Soul.”

Ohhhhhh, dear! You wanna talk work?! Yes, twin souls are magical connections, but they do not guarantee permanent togetherness and bliss. In the event that you do find your twin soul this go around, being with that person will require you to move through massive amounts of karmic baggage (of your own), old wounds, and all illusions of separation until you realize that even though you’re twin souls, you are each complete without the other. In the case of twin souls, the whole is not only greater than the sum of its parts, but feeling like you need the other twin automatically precludes you from finding and remaining with your twin soul. The feeling of incompleteness and the remaining with your other half are mutually exclusive.

Not everyone has a twin soul, and not all twin souls even incarnate at the same time, since the connection is so intense and so powerful that oftentimes it provides much more support with one of you off world. Unencumbered by physical restrictions, an ego, and the limited perspectives that cause emotional baggage, the off world twin soul can inspire, hold space and LOVE in powerful, unbreakable ways. The incarnate twin may feel deep longing for some kind of togetherness that they sense is possible, but they will also receive full support from their special “guardian angel/other half” from beyond … even if they aren’t yet ready to deal with being together in the physical.

Well, what if I just want to find someone compatible who loves me and whom I can love?

Now we’re getting somewhere! If you want to find “a harmonious and loving relationship,” then I suggest you focus upon and ask for a harmonious and loving relationship! Let the Universe sort out the who and the number of times you’ve known or never known this soul before. Asking for the kind of relationship you really want does three things:

1) It frees the Universe to select from any and all people who match your preferences.

2) The “harmonious” part helps to weed out karmic ties that create compulsions, control freak patterns, bizarre love-hate/attraction-repulsion dynamics, or the peculiar intensity that comes from unrecognized past life bleed-through.

3) It allows for growth by inviting in new souls and new connections that you’ve not already hashed and rehashed before.

Yes, karmic ties, bonds, wounds, and healing provide many opportunities for growth. But … and this is a very big but … you can also grow through conditions that encourage you to thrive. Love does not need to feel like a fight for survival or a crazy-making mix of passion and outrage. Love can feel delightful, sexy, comfortable, powerful, supportive and joyful even if (sometimes especially if) you haven’t known someone before. Each incarnation offers you new tools, new experiences and new skills. You also learn more about what works or doesn’t work for you, and your soul longs to gain a more complete awareness. When you limit yourself to looking only for a “soul mate” or “twin soul,” you limit the ways a harmonious and loving relationship can find you.

Trust me, when you find someone who truly sees you, cares for you, honors and respects you, your soul will feel the connection! Why limit yourself to past experiences and past relationships? Focus on what you really want, let the Universe do the sorting, and then prepare yourself to give and receive balanced Love in ever deeper and stronger ways.